University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


SHORT  FURROWS 


SHORT    FURROWS 


By 
KIN  HUBBARD 


ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  THE  AUTHOR 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  CO. 
PUBLISHERS 


Copyright    1911 
THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  Co. 


SHORT  FURROWS 


SHORT  FURROWS 


THE  GRAND  MARSHAL 

BY    HON.    EX-EDITUR    CALE    FLUHART 

A  grand 
marshal  is  a 
fellow  who  is 
not  strong 
enough  politi- 
cally to  pull 
down  a  dep- 
uty game 
wardenship, 
but  who  pos- 
sesses all  the 
essential  qual- 
ities of  a  gilt 

edged    general    or    a    fiery    rear-admiral. 

Grand   marshals    come    in    all    shapes    and 


SHORT  FURROWS 

sizes,  but  a  first  class  A  No.  i  grand  mar- 
shal weighs  250  pounds,  clips  his  head  and 
wears  a  stiff,  drooping  mustache  that  not 
only  gives  him  the  appearance  of  being  a 
man  who  is  quick  to  act,  but  also  serves  as 
a  dandy  little  soup  strainer.  He  retires  on 
the  evening  preceding  the  day  he  is  to  scin- 
tilate  at  the  usual  hour  and  gets  up  in  the 
morning  with  the  milk  men  and  jumps  into 
his  glossy  black  suit  and  shines  his  boots 
with  stove  polish.  After  worrying  down  a 
heavy  breakfast,  the  grand  marshal  sum- 
mons his  wife,  and  then  the  work  of  ad- 
justing his  red  oiled  muslin  sash  begins. 
At  6  o'clock  he  is  in  the  saddle  and  by  6:30 
he  has  four  drinks  under  his  sash.  By  8 
o'clock  he  is  pickled.  It  does  not  make  any 
difference  to  a  regular  grand  marshal  what 
hour  the  festivities  of  the  day  are  to  begin. 
All  he  wants  to  know  is  the  day  and  date. 
Rushing  madly  up  and  down  the  main 

2 


SHORT  FURROWS 

streets,  the  grand  marshal  personally  super- 
vises the  arrangement  of  bunting  and  flags, 
drives  the  peanut  and  hot  sausage  venders 
nearer  the  courthouse  fence  and  pushes  the 
prominent  citizens  back  of  the  dead  line. 

"Git  back,  stand  back,  everybody,  git 
back!!!"  cries  the  grand  marshal  from  6 
A.  M.  till  the  livery  stable  closes.  Little  chil- 
dren hate  a  grand  marshal.  It's  no  uncom- 
mon thing  for  a  man  or  woman  to  point  out 
some  old  decrepit  man  and  say,  "Curse  that 
old  geezer!  Away  with  him!  He  was  a 
grand  marshal  when  I  was  a  child/' 

If  the  town  is  dry,  a  grand  marshal  drinks 
in  a  box  stall.  If  it  is  wet,  he  drinks  in  the 
saddle  at  the  handiest  side  door. 

A  grand  marshal  is  a  great  spectacle — 
but  he  should  be  viewed  from  the  belfry  of 
the  courthouse  where  his  maneuvers  may  be 
watched  with  impunity,  beyond  the  reach  of 
his  breath  and  hickory  cane. 

4 


BROWN  COUNTYISMS 

Fun  is  like  life  insurance,  th'  older  you  git 

th?  more  it  costs. 

5 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole-fashioned  girl 
that  used  t'  say  "lips  that  touch  wine  shall 
never  touch  mine"? 

5 

Talkin'  o'  great  authors,  a  hog  from  th' 
pen  o'  Tilford  Moots  brought  $47.21  yister- 

day. 

& 

Somebuddy  wuz  seen  comin'  out  o'  our 
Carnegie  library  Wednesday  forenoon. 

§ 

Ever'buddy  stood  up  at  Melodeon  Hall 
last  night  when  th'  orchestry  played  "My 
Country,  What  is  it  t'  You?" 

5 


SHORT  FURROWS 

This  is  a  funny  ole  world.  Jist  as  soon 
as  you  git  fifty  er  seventy-five  cents  saved  up 
your  shoes  break  on  the  sides. 

v 

Some  folks  don't  seem  t'  have  nothin'  but 
a  lot  o'  information. 


A  uniform  an5  a  celluloid  collar  er  insep- 

arable. 

S 

Bosko  Moon  died  at  89  yisterday.  He 
was  th'  first  Democrat  t'  be  well  liked  in  this 

county. 

V 

Mortimer  Green  (wet)  an'  wife  (dry) 
Wednesdayed  at  Morgantown. 

* 

A  optimist  is  a  feller  that  retains  his  com- 
posure when  it  rains  on  th'  big  day  o'  th' 
fair. 

6 


HINTS  FOR  ALL 


BY    MISS    FAWN    LIPPINCUT 

If  a  woman 
living  in  the 
country  can  get 
up  at  7  o'clock 
in  the  morning 
and  get  break- 
fast, do  her 
own  housework, 
dress  and  but- 
ton her  own 
back,  fix  her 
hair  up  secure- 
ly, powder  her 

nose,  catch  a  train,  reach  the  city,  eat  a 
lunch  and  be  in  her  seat  at  the  theater  at 
two-ten  in  the  afternoon,  why  can't  a  woman 

7 


SHORT  FURROWS 


Be  kind  and  tolerant  around  home.  Re- 
member, it  will  soon  be  morning  and  you 
can  go  to  work. 


8 


SHORT  FURROWS 

living  a  few  blocks  north  of  the  same  the- 
ater, with  a  house  full  of  servants  and  an 
automobile,  do  the  same  thing? 

Two  fellows  should  never  take  one  girl  to 
the  theater.     It  disturbs  those  about  them. 


Never  attempt  to  describe  a  play. 
S 

The  most  important  lines  in  a  play  are 
generally  being  spoken  just  as  a  bunch  of 
high-brows  swish  by  you  and  congregate  at 
the  end  of  the  row  just  ahead. 

§ 

The  less  your  seat  cost  the  less  you  will 

be  disturbed. 

* 

If  your  wife  delights  in  entertaining  that 
is  all  well  and  good.  A  house  full  of  com- 
pany will  often  save  you. 

9 


SHORT  FURROWS 

No  play  is  ever  perfectly  lovely. 
S 

When  buying  a  theater  ticket  hand  the 
box  office  man  a  good  cigar  and  politely  re- 
quest him  not  to  seat  you  near  anybody  that 
may  have  seen  the  show  in  Chicago. 

^ 

Ushers  should  not  skate  in  the  aisles. 
;  S 

Never  tell  the  box-office  man  that  you 
can't  hear  well  or  he  will  sell  you  a  seat 
where  you  can't  see  either. 

sr 

If  you  have  to  stand  up  eight  or  nine  times 
till  your  row  fills  up,  remember  we  are  not 
all  newspaper  people  and  get  in  on  passes. 

?> 

Next  to  getting  in  a  theater,  the  hardest 
thing  is  to  look  natural  in  a  box. 

10 


SHORT  FURROWS 

If  your  wife  is  fond  of  the  drama,  en- 
courage her.  You  are  not  fighting  at  home 

in  a  theater. 

s 

The  unhappier  you  are  at  home  the  louder 
you  will  whistle  at  work. 

$ 

Don't  rush  to  the  divorce  courts.  You 
can  even  get  along  with  a  trained  seal  by 
handing  it  a  whitefish  occasionally. 

5 

If  your  wife  is  peevish  and  you  live  in  the 
West,  get  a  position  as  Eastern  representa- 
tive of  some  home  factory. 

J5 

There  is  no  way  to  unwrap  a  caramel 
without  spoiling  a  play. 

5 

Begin  to-night  to  step  on  the  end  seat 
hog's  toe. 

ii 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Goat  furs  should  be  checked  and  not  car- 
ried to  your  seat. 

?r 

A  gallery  god  is  never  late, 
tf 

If  your  wife  objects  to  getting  breakfast 
because  she  looks  so  ugly  early  in  the  morn- 
ing you  ought  to  be  glad. 

S 

If  you  live  in  the  East  and  your  children 
are  noisy  and  hard  to  manage,  become  the 
Western  manager  of  some  big  concern. 

If 

If  your  wife  insists  on  trying  her  hand  at 
pastry  remember  that  an  occasional  piece  of 
home-made  pie  will  not  injure  you  perma- 
nently. 


12 


THE  AMATEUR  ACTOR 

BY    TELL    BINKLEY 

An  amateur  actor  is  a 
fellow  who  can  not  act. 
He  is  ready  and  willing 
to  act,  and  often  looks 
like  he  could  act,  but  he 
can  not. 

Every  town  supports  at 
least  one  amateur  actor. 
It  has  to,  for  after  the 
amateur  actor  gets  a 
whiff  of  the  footlights 
and  a  complimentary  puff 
in  the  home  weekly  he  at 
once  becomes  disqualified 

for  further  usefulness  and  loafs  from  one 

local  entertainment  to  the  next. 

13 


SHORT  FURROWS 

In  appearance  an  amateur  actor  does  not 
differ  materially  from  a  high  school  teacher 
or  a  saddler.  Occasionally  there  is  one 
with  an  ashen  pallor  and  black  curly  hair 
and  eyes  like  a  locomotive  engineer  who  has 
washed  up  hurriedly  after  a  long,  smoky 
run.  But  the  average  amateur  actor  would 
not  cause  more  than  passing  notice  should 
he  be  seen  leaning  on  the  town  pump  or 
stepping  into  the  postoffice. 

It  doesn't  make  a  particle  of  difference  to 
an  amateur  actor  what  play  is  up  for  re- 
hearsal. He  is  long  on  memorizing,  and 
"Don  Csesar,"  "William  Tell,"  "The  Naiad 
Queen"  or  "The  Pirates  of  Penzance"  all 
look  alike  to  him.  He  can  sing  a  ballad,  or 
will  sing  one  whether  he  can  or  not,  and 
jump  at  the  chance  to  do  a  Highland  fling. 
The  only  time  he  ever  has  stage  fright  is 
when  the  theater  threatens  to  burn  the  day 
before  he  expects  to  "act." 

14 


SHORT  FURROWS 


SHORT  FURROWS 

In  many  towns  the  amateur  actor  is  the 
correspondent  for  some  dramatic  journal 
and  his  weekly  letter  reads  like  this: 


EOUNDHEAD,  OHIO. — GRAND  (Ike 
White,  mgr.):  "Irma,  the  Waif,"  isth,  to 
large  and  cultured  audience.  Company  fair. 
Work  of  Bonnie  LeClair,  contortionist,  far 
above  the  average.==THE  PLEASANT 
HOUR  (Col.  Moon,  mgr.):  dark;  film  lost  in 
the  mails.=THE  LYRIC  (Mort  Hines, 
mgr.) :  "Two  Orphans,"  in  three  films. 
Crowds  to  the  curbs.=THE  FOLLY  (Anson 
Stark,  mgr.) :  Two  comic  films.  Song — 
"Father's  Crayon  Portrait  is  in  the  Garret." 
Capacity .=NOTES :  Your  correspondent  had 
the  pleasure  of  meeting  Bonnie  LeClair, 
of  the  "Irma,  the  Waif"  Co.  She  is  doing 
excellent  work  and  has  a  great  frog  act  in 
preparation.  "Stew"  Nugent,  an  old  local 
boy,  writes  that  he  is  doing  great  work  ahead 
of  "No  Hand  Outstretched  to  Save  Her"  com- 
pany, burning  up  the  opposition  through  the 
Dakotas  and  playing  nine  returns  in  Montana. 
His  mother  works  here.  Jack  Springer,  trom- 
bonist, who  joined  Ot  Freeman's  Big  Min- 
strels at  Fremont,  Ohio,  a  few  days  ago,  has 
returned.  He  says  their  treasurer  went  to 
Pittsburgh  to  get  a  horizontal  bar  turn  to 
strengthen  the  show  and  is  still  there.  A 
light  snow  has  kept  Riley  Mason,  advance 
"Gertie,  the  Garment  Maker,"  in  town  for  a 
few  days.  "The  Two  Orphans"  reels  went 
from  here  to  Bucyrus. — Anon. 


An  amateur  actor  always  speaks  of  Julia 
Marlowe  as  just  plain  Marlowe,  and  swears 
that  he  can't  see  how  Bob  Mantell  gets  by. 
Nothing  pleases  an  amateur  actor  quite  so 
much  as  to  have  someone  ask  him  why  he 

16 


SHORT  FURROWS 

never  adopted  the  stage  as  a  profession.  If 
his  mother  is  alive  it's  because  she  wants 
him  at  home.  But  if  she  is  dead  he  will 
assume  a  serious  air  and  say,  "Aw,  it's  a 
dog's  life." 


COUNTRY  STORE  PHILOSOPHY 

Ther's  allus  somethin'  about  a  good  fer 
nothin'  feller  t'  attract  a  purty  girl. 

^ 

Tell  Binkley  paid  ten  cents  an'  took  th' 
oriental  degree  in  a  circus  side  show  yister- 

day. 

3" 

Ther's  no  conjestion  o'  traffic  on  Easy 

Street. 

3- 

A   firm   chin   is   helpless   without  a   stiff 

upper  lip. 

?> 

Tell  Binkley  has  traded  his  sister's  farm 
fer  a  new  torpedo  shaped  racin'  car. 

3r 

Two  hobbles  make  a  harem. 
18 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Tell  Binkley  found  two  dollars  in  a  ole 
vest  yisterday  an'  he  can't  think  who  he 

owes  'em  to. 

* 

It's  funny  folks  can't  eat  soup  without 
thinkin'  ther  bailin'  out  a  cistern. 

& 

Ex-editur  Cale  Fluhart  has  come  out  flat 
footed  fer  th'  licensed  saloon  as  he  says  a 
fellow  will  sometimes  pay  fer  his  paper  after 
he's  been  drinkin'. 


One  advantage  o'  livin'  in  a  little  town  is 
that  you  er  absolutely  sure  t'  see  at  least  one 
performance  o'  St.  Elmo  ever'  season. 

i 

A  feller  allus  speaks  o'  goin'  with  a  widow 
like  it  wuz  somethin'  smart. 

$ 

She  who  hesitates  is  saved. 
19 


THE  VILLAGE  SPORT 

BY    PINKY    KERR 

The  fifteen 
ball  pool,  or 
common  va- 
riety, of  vil- 
lage sport 
gets  up  at  9 
o'clock  in  the 
morning.  Aft- 
er he  nibbles 
about  the  pan- 
try for  five  or 
ten  minutes 
he  places  a 

smoothing  iron  on  the  kitchen  stove  and 
rolls  a  few  "pills"  and  arranges  his  itinerary 
for  the  day.  After  the  iron  has  reached  the 

20 


SHORT  FURROWS 

proper  temperature,  the  task  of  pressing  a 
fierce,  razor  edged  crease  in  his  trousers  is 
on,  his  whole  soul  entering  into  the  work. 
Then  he  retires  to  his  room  and  slicks  up, 
after  which  he  borrows  a  quarter  from  his 
mother.  This  ends  his  business  worries 
for  the  day,  and  he  hurries  to  Mack's  Place, 
where  he  is  at  once  the  envy  of  all  the 
geeks. 

If  the  pool  variety  of  sport  happens  to 
have  a  sister  who  is  working  he  leaves  a  call 
for  an  earlier  hour,  that  he  may  touch  her 
for  a  half  before  she  starts  for  the  catsup 
factory  or  the  Elite  millinery  parlors. 

The  dandy  little  wizard  of  the  spherical 
ivories  can  swing  more  business  with  a  few 
nickels  than  a  Hunyak  grade  builder.  His 
on-and-off  layout  consists  of  two  foxy 
"special  to-day  only"  suits  of  loud  design 
and  doubtful  texture,  cut  very  loose  and  en- 
livened with  a  peck  of  pearl-faced  buttons, 
21 


SHORT  FURROWS 

together  with  a  few  non-equipment  acces- 
sories. 

Indeed,  a  village  ne'er-do-well,  of  the  ball 
and  cue  sort,  has  not  infrequently  copped 
out  the  pride  of  the  hamlet  with  nothing  to 
commend  him  but  his  wiry  bangs  and  a  cot- 
ton and  wood  fiber  suit  of  purplish  cast, 
thereby  coming  into  a  rich  slice  of  a  pro- 
ductive farm  or  a  flourishing  title  mill.  Of 
course  he  has  to  be  careful  and  not  let  the 
sun  hit  his  clothes  or  the  match  would  be 
a  blow  off. 

In  our  underweight,  or  oiled  street  towns, 
there  are  many  varieties  of  the  E-flat  sport 
besides  the  one  that  lolls  in  the  whittled 
chairs  of  the  pool  bazar.  There's  the  craps 
shooting  sport  that  hangs  about  the  livery, 
feed  and  sale  stable  and  smells  like  a  goat; 
the  buggy  riding  sport  that  works  up  to  a 
narrow  rig  with  yellow  running  gears,  the 
one  with  the  blue  bow  on  his  whip,  who 

22 


SHORT  FURROWS 


Next  t'  thj  average  relative  there  haint 
nothin'  that  sticks  as  tight  as  a  stamp  that's 
been  put  on  by  mistake. 


SHORT  FURROWS 

haunts  the  quiet  country  lanes  every  Sun- 
day with  a  rosy-faced  belle  in  a  wilted  lawn 
dress,  a  drooping  hat  and  runover  heels; 
the  leaning  sport"  with  the  yellow  strings  of 
his  tobacco  bag  dangling  from  his  hip 
pocket,  who  does  nothing  worse  than  polish 
the  corner  of  the  People's  Bank;  the  fancy 
shirt  sport,  that  has  consented  to  clerk  and 
swings  on  the  awning  ropes  and  kids  the 
schoolgirls  when  he  is  not  crossing  the  street 
to  the  postoffice  or  sprinkling  the  sidewalk; 
and  the  last,  but  not  least,  the  Stop  9  sport, 
who  stands  by  the  milk  cans  and  looks  pretty 
when  the  interurban  car  whizzes  by. 

The  one  obstacle  between  the  average 
pump-and-trough  town  sport  and  work  is 
his  mother.  She  thinks  he's  the  goods. 
However,  you  never  see  him  hanging  around 
his  father. 


24 


ABE  MARTIN  SAYS 

I  hate  t'  eat  by  a  feller  that  holds  his  arms 
like  a  snare  drummer. 

?r 

Next  t'  a  cantaloupe  ther  haint  nothin'  as 
fickle  as  a  pop'lar  girl. 

8 

When  a  feller  gits  beaten  fer  office  he 
allus  says  his  wife  didn't  want  him  t'  run. 

sr 
Th'    socialist    party    is    jist    around    th' 

corner. 

Sr 

A  onion  a  day  keeps  th'  doctor  away — an' 

others. 

8 

Ever'buddy   is   afraid   o'   boardin'   house 
hash  but  a  one  armed  feller. 

25 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Constant  Reader,  Lilac,  Indianny  —  Th' 
little  poem  by  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut,  which 
you  asked  fer,  is  printed  herewith:  — 

Oh,  th'  purty  little  birds! 
How  I  love  t'  hear  them  sing, 
Ez  they  flit  from  tree  t'  tree  — 
Let  me  count  them,  one,  two,  three! 
Some  er  red  an'  some  er  blue, 
But  th'  red  er  very  few. 


It's    funny    women    don't    even    absent- 
mindedly  shut  a  car  door  occasionally. 

X 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  entertained  th'  Art 
Embroidery  Club  yisterday  as  it  wuz  to  wet 

t'  plow. 

V 

Next  t'  a  good  resturint  th'  hardest  thing 
to  find  is  yisterday's  paper. 

$ 

Prohibition  only  makes  it  more  difficult. 
26 


SHORT  FURROWS 


Th'  unusual  plentifulness  o'  parsnips 
ought  t'  greatly  reduce  th'  cost  o'  livin' — 
likewise  the  desire. 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Lafe  Bud  says  he's  sorry  he  didn't  learn 
t'  be  a  dentist  so  he  could  charge  folks  jist 
what  he  happened  to  need. 

*$ 

Constable  Plum's  married  dorter,  who 
lives  in  a  city,  went  to  see  John  Drew  in  a 
sack  suit  last  night. 

V 

Quite  a  crowd  gathered  in  front  o'  th' 
Little  Gem  resturint  yisterday  t'  see  a  feller 
with  a  droopin'  mustache  eat  spaghetty. 

-& 

One  good  thing  about  a  little  town — you 
kin  git  in  th'  band. 

^ 

Ther's  many  a  slip  twixt  th'  blue  prints 

an'  a  new  house. 

V 

Ever'  feller  has  a  age  when  he  gits  his  pic- 
ture took  with  his  hat  on. 
28 


SHORT  FURROWS 


Th'  New  Palace  hut-tel  asks  th'  indul- 
gence o'  th'  travelin'  public  fer  a  few  days 
while  th'  roller  towel  is  being  vulcanized. 


29 


SHORT  FURROWS 

A  bum  pianner  an'  a  bum  pianner  player 

allus  git  together. 

S 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  writin'  a  film  fer 

th'  flicker  circuit. 

3 

Folks  that  er  quick  t'  order  er  slow  t'  pay. 
S 

'Bout  th'  only  thing  a  newspaper  don't 
have  t'  exaggerate  is  a  automobile  accident. 

?> 

Sometimes  a  self-made  man  is  as  poor  a 
job  as  a  homemade  hair  cut. 

?r 

A  holiday  allus  makes  th'  next  day  seem 
like  Sunday,  'cept  th'  front  an'  side  doors  o' 
saloons  er  both  open. 

sr 

Th'  roller  towel  at  th'  New  Palace  hut-tel 
is  cracked  in  three  places. 
30 


SHORT  FURROWS 


Fer  ever'  feller  what's  lookin'  fer  work 
ther's  nine  hidin'  from  it. 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Nothin'  goes  as  fer  as  kindness,  'cept  th' 
butter  in  a  dairy  lunch  room. 

V 
Ther's    no    seat    scalpers    fer    th'    water 

wagon. 

3r 

Tell  Binkley  says  he  allus  hates  th'  first  o' 
th'  month,  when  we  all  git  letters  with  isin- 
glass fronts. 

3r 

Knowin'  all  'bout  baseball  is  jist  'bout  as 
profitable  as  bein'  a  good  whittler. 

tf 

A  roller  towel  wouldn't  be  so  bad  if  th' 
landlord  changed  th'  film  oftener. 

V 

Ther's  gittin'  t'  be  too  many  folks  that 
work  jist  long  enough  t'  git  a  suit  o'  clothes. 

tf 

A  friend  with  an  auto  is  a  friend  indeed. 
32 


SHORT  FURROWS 


Miss  Germ  Williams  jist  laughin'ly 
scratched  her  name  an'  address  on  a  link  o' 
bologna  last  campaign  an'  t'day  she  received 
a  copy  o'  Fred  Landis'  new  book. 


33 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  will  take  her  little 
boy  t'  see  his  grandmother  in  Illinoy  next 
week  fer  th'  last  time  as  he'll  soon  look  too 
big  t'  ride  fer  nothin'. 

tf 

It  haint  been  long  since  a  feller  used  to 
say,  "Why  I  wouldn'  think  no  more  o'  doin' 
that  than  I'd  think  o'  flyin'." 

Q 

Marriage  reforms  some  fellers  an'  others 
try  it  two  or  three  times. 

^r 

Lafe  Bud  says  he  allus  feels  like  a  odd  cuff 
button  when  his  mother-in-law  is  around. 

S 

Some  feller's  idea  o'  reciprocity  is  return- 
in'  a  wheelbarrow  an'  borrowin'  a  lawn 

mower. 

S 

Th'  feller  that  asks  fer  a  position  haint 
lookin'  fer  work. 

34 


SHORT  FURROWS 

A  optimist  is  allus  broke. 

$: 

Ther'll  never  be  no  real  pleasure  in  motor- 
in'  till  th'  farmer  watches  his  team  instead 

o'  th'  auto. 

s. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  it's  th'  duty  o' 
th'  groom  t'  take  all  risk  in  havin'  th'  panta- 
loons o'  th'  best  man's  borrowed  dress  suit 

shortened. 

9 

Tipton  Bud  talks  some  o'  sellin'  his  farm 
as  th'  exercise  is  too  violent. 

tf 

Tell  Binkley  has  dropped  out  o'  th'  Avia- 
tor's Club. 

^r 

A  Socialist  is  a  feller  that  wants  t'  dance 
without  contributin'  anything  toward  payin' 
th'  violinist. 

35 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Fifty  years  ago  t'day  Ez  Pash  started  fer 
Canada,  where  he  stayed  till  th'  close  o'  th' 

war. 

V 

Th'  principal  trouble  with  folks  that'll  pay 
if  they've  got  it  is  that  they  git  things  with- 
out havin'  it. 

IS 

You  kin  allus  tell  a  travelin'  salesman  by 
th'  number  o'  seats  he  monopolizes. 

S 

Curt  Hedges  has  advertised  fer  a  barber 
that  kin  furnish  his  own  terbacker. 

V 

Some  girls  git  all  ther  is  out  o'  life  in  one 

summer. 

s 

It  might  help  th'  consumer  t'  take  a  more 
cheerful  view  o'  life  if  th'  butcher  would  let 
th'  meat  stay  on  th'  scales  long  enough  t'  see 
what  it  weighed. 

36 


SHORT  FURROWS 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  girl  that 
used  t'  wait  patiently  till  th'  right  feller 

come  along? 

S 

Miss  Myrtie  Louise  Mopps,  who's  been  th' 
guest  o'  Miss  Tawney  Apple,  at  White  Wy- 
andotte  Place,  returned  t'  her  home  at  Mor- 
gantown  after  th'  Astor  weddin'. 

5 

You  kin  never  tell  who  rain  an'  apathy 

will  elect. 

3r 

Th'  feller  that  won't  pay  anythin'  believes 
in  treatin'  ever'buddy  alike. 

fc 
You  kin  make  lastin'  friends  o'  some  folks 

by  consultin'  'em. 

» 

What's  become  o'  th'  feller  that  used  t' 
chew  a  quill  toothpick  with  a  bubble  on  th' 
end? 

37 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Nobuddy  works  as  hard  fer  his  money  as 
th'  feller  that  marries  it. 


Money  talks,  an'  when  some  fellers  spend 

it,  it  fairly  yells. 

S- 

Th'  latest  menace  is  th'  feller  that  smokes 
th'  band  on  a  nickel  se-gar. 

^ 

A  feller  asked  fer  a  money  order  at  th' 
pustoffice  at  Crawfordsville,  th'  other  day, 
an'  when  th'  pustmaster  asked  him  fer  how 
much,  he  said,  "Oh,  a  quart,  I  reckon." 

B- 

Mrs.  Edith  Mopps  an'  her  daughter 
Edythe,  Tuesdayed  at  th'  home  o'  Tipton 

Bud. 

3- 

I  wonder  how  long  most  fellers  would 
stick  t'  a  secret  order  if  it  wuzn'  fer  th'  gold 
braid? 

38 


SHORT  FURROWS 

A  pessimist  is  a  feller  that  bought  a  set  o' 
Dickens  once  fer  twenty-five  cents  down  an' 
finally  had  t'  pay  th'  rest. 

f 

Writin'  is  gittin'  t'  be  'bout  as  cheap  as 

talk. 

S 

Th'  farmer  that  sets  under  a  yaller  um- 
breller  an'  reads  th'  daily  papers  while  he's 
plowin'  has  cut  out  lightnin'  rods  an'  patent 

gates. 

?r 

Even  th'  fact  that  alderberries  require 
very  little  sugar  don't  seem  t'  stimulate  th' 
demand. 

"S" 

Newspaper  articles  on  mushrooms  make 

fat  graveyards. 

^ 

Al  Marsh  came  back  from  Colorado  yis- 
terday  lookin'  like  another  man — but  Con- 
stable Plum  recognized  him. 
39 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Many   a   feller   has   gone  broke   trustin' 

Providence. 

?> 

Lafe  Bud  has  a  new  ten  dollar  frock  suit 
an'  he  looks  like  a  country  prosecutor,  'cept 

his  hair  is  cut. 

^ 

An'  all  around  feller  gathers  no  moss. 

3r 

What's  become  o'  Ole  Aunt  Rhody  that 
wuz  so  popular  with  th'  music  teachers? 

s 

Some  fellers  er  allus  talkin'  about  accept- 
in'  a  position  jist  like  negotiations  had  been 

pendin'  fer  years. 

sr 

I'll  bet  if  ther  wuz  a  uniform  divorce  law 
Jake  Astor  would  have  a  swell  uniform. 

3- 

A  fat  man  allus  seems  t'  resent  it  when 
you  hand  him  somethin'  he's  dropped. 
40 


SHORT  FURROWS 

I  never  felt  ole  till  I  read  o'  Esther  Cleve- 
land's engagement.  It  don't  seem  like  a 
week  since  I  wuz  carryin'  a  torch  fer  her 

father. 

« 

Th'  girl  that  runs  with  a  easy  mark  allus 
marries  a  tight  wad. 

S 

Some  fellers  er  very  exclusive  till  they 
come  t'  a  free  lunch.  One  fork  makes  th' 

whole  world  kin. 

?> 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  that  while  it 
haint  proper  it's  often  necessary  t'  hold 
hands  with  a  young  man  you've  only  met 

once. 

?r 

Miss  Germ  Williams,  editress  o'  Th9 
Home  an'  Hen,  gave  a  delightful  cotillon  last 
night.  Indian  Runner  duck  eggs  wuz  given 
as  favors. 


SHORT  FURROWS 

It's  no  disgrace  t'  be  poor,  but  it  might  as 

well  be. 

S 

Disobligin'  people  allus  hold  positions  that 
anybuddy  in  th'  world  could  fill. 

5 

Th'  feller  that  rushes  in  generally  crawls 

out. 

fc 

Fer  ever'  feller  that  goes  in  th'  chicken 
business  one  fails. 

3r 

Th'   feller   that   fails   in   th'   East   would 
starve  in  th'  West. 

» 

It's  better  t'  have  loved  an'  lost  than  try  t' 
pick  out  a  gocart  with  your  wife. 

?> 

A  reckless  driver  allus  seems  partial  t'  yel- 
low runnin'  gears. 

42 


SHORT  FURROWS 

Flattery    won't    hurt    you    if    you    don't 

swaller  it. 

fc 

When  you  do  find  a  boy  that's  tryin'  t'  git 
a  education  he  seems  t'  think  th'  whole  world 
ought  t'  help  him. 

5 

A  holiday  is  hardly  worth  th'  energy  it 
takes  t'  git  back  in  th'  harness  agin. 

Ez  Pash  asked  Dr.  Mops  what  wuz  th' 
matter  with  Miss  Mouldy  Bud  an'  he  said, 
"Oh,  you  wouldn't  know  if  I  could  pro- 
nounce it." 


I  I 


/ 


